


The Words I Never Got To Say

by Queenie_004



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Boys In Love, F/M, Missing Scene, Mutual Pining, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-21 19:12:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14291550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenie_004/pseuds/Queenie_004
Summary: Finn is nursing his broken heart in Leeds and Rae calls - but doesn't hang up.Like all writers I crave feedback! Please share in the comments if you have any and thank you for reading!





	The Words I Never Got To Say

He catches the phone on the fifth ring, “’Ello?” he says as he squints up at the clock which says it’s well after midnight. There’s someone on the other end but they don’t respond. It only takes a moment and Finn has no idea how he knows, but he realizes that it is Rae. He exhales and says her name but she doesn’t answer. His uncle is upstairs asleep and he left his cousin at the pub so he stands alone in the darkened front room clutching the phone against his ear.

_Cos if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you  
Drive highways and byways to be there with you_

He’s waited for her for so long. He waited for her to realize how much he liked her and it took forever. He waited for her to tell him why she broke up with him and she never did. He waited for her to explain what was really going on with Liam but she didn’t. He waited for her to tell him not to go to Leeds. But she didn’t do that either. And he’s been waiting for her to call and ask him to come back. He doesn’t know yet if this is what he’s been waiting for, but waiting for Rae Earl is something he is now so used to that he can afford to wait some more tonight.

“Ya a’right Rae?” She still doesn’t answer but he can hear her breathing and she hasn’t hung up yet so that’s a start. He doesn’t know what else to say. Usually she’s the talker and he’s the silent one so this dynamic makes him a little unsteady. He’s also had a few pints which is not helping his ability to think straight about what to do. “I was just out at the local with my cousin Reg,” he tells her, “and you would have lost your mind at how shit the music was” he chuckles a bit, “I even said to Reg, ‘I know someone who would be knicking 20p off you right now to stop this shit from assaulting our ears’.” He squeezes his eyes shut and his mind replays the memory of her doing just that to him when they first met all those months ago. “Ya remember that _Mae_?” he asks, “I can’t believe I asked if your name was Raymond. What a twat.” He remembers how she had insisted on picking the song and sassed him over it and sauntered back to the table to the cheers of his friends and he’d been embarrassed but also slightly stunned by this girl who he could already tell was not like any other girl he’d ever met.

_Over and over the only truth  
Everything comes back to you_

He is so shit at saying what he feels he wishes she were here so he could spell it out for her on her skin. He started that because he was desperate to have an excuse to touch her and once he started it connected them in a secret way that thrilled him from head to toe. He loved to drag his finger slowly so that what he was writing was clear, but also because it afforded him longer contact with her. And she loved it too, he knew she did because of the way her lip curled up at the corner as he did it and sometimes afterwards he would see her caressing the spot with her fingertips like she was capturing the sensation of his touch. “If you were here,” he starts out and pauses because he thinks this may sound daft, “if you were here right now or I was there even, I’d roll your sleeve up so I could tell ya somethin'” with his index finger he starts to trace it on his thigh as he spells it out to her, “I M-I-S-S Y-O-U.” He hears a muffled cry and it pierces his heart, “I’m sorry Rae. I don’t wanna make ya cry.”

_You still make me nervous when you walk in the room  
Them butterflies they come alive when I'm next to you_

He’s on the floor with his back against the sofa. The room is dark except for an occasional headlight cutting through the front window and it’s quiet except for the ticking clock and their breathing through the line. “I hope ya got my letter,” he starts, “and ya may wanna frame it because I don’t write letters to no one. I think maybe in my life I wrote one to my Nan when I was on holiday and Archie got one when were kids and it was probably all about footie so you’re a pretty lucky lass there, Rachel Earl.” She’s still quiet but she’s not crying as far as he can tell. He wasn’t sure about writing a letter but he wanted to make some connection with her. He thought his heart broke when she dumped him but the night he went to her house and silently begged her to give him a reason to stay in Stamford and she hadn’t, well that had proper shattered it. Ever since then he’s been questioning if he should have been clearer about his feelings for her. That if he had told her that she scared him and fascinated him, that he found her bewildering and wildly funny, that she was so clever she made his breath catch and so gorgeous he wanted to spend days of his life just kissing her and tracing the curves of her body with his mouth. How he felt about her obliterated pretty much any other thought in his head but somehow never made it out of his mouth because he was a fucking idiot who lost the only girl he’d ever actually loved because he couldn’t just tell her what she deserved to hear.

_Over and over the only truth  
Everything comes back to you_

But now they are far apart and he’s lonely and sad and he thinks that maybe she’s lonely and sad too or she wouldn’t be calling him in the middle of the night and silently listening to him bang on like a prat. He’s sobered up a bit and he’s exhausted from working a proper job all day instead of sitting around at college and he should go to sleep but he knows that he will sit there clutching the bloody phone the rest of the night if he has to if it keeps him close to her. He knows this is slightly pathetic because she doesn’t want him. She’s made that clear twice now but the message still has not gotten through his thick head or wounded heart. Tonight he had a perfectly fit girl flirting with him at the pub and he could not for the life of him find it in him to flirt back. She could have been a quick snog or even a few easy dates but he couldn’t even wrap his mind around something like that now. He was 17 years old and he’d run away from home to pretend to be an adult because a girl rejected him. He was too young to think he’d already found and lost the love of his life but he was pretty fucking sure that’s exactly what happened.

“Rae” he says suddenly as words start to pour out before he can put them in any sort of order, “I know I’m not your boyfriend and I know you don’t want me but I want ya to know that I’ll always be your mate. If you’re in trouble girl just say it and I’ll come for ya, whenever. If it’s tonight or tomorrow or 10 years from now I’ll never stop carin’ about ya Rae.” He’s afraid to pause because he’s thinks he’ll panic and stop himself, “I know ya never believe me when I say stuff—like what I wrote at your mum’s wedding, or when I tell ya you’re pretty or that I want ya and not other girls. I don’t know why ya don’t believe me Rae because it’s all true. I’ve never said anything to ya that wasn’t the truth and I’m telling ya the truth now. And I’ll stay on the phone until morning if you want. I’d do anythin’ for ya Rae and that’s the full fucking truth and it always has been and it bloody always will be.”

 _And I know that it's wrong_  
_That I can't move on_  
_But there's something about you_

He takes a deep breath and thinks that is possibly the most he’s ever said to anyone at one time in his entire life. He half expects her to hang up now and possibly never talk to him again. His hand aches from holding the phone so tightly and he desperately needs a drink of water. But his words are out there now and he can’t take them back and really, he doesn’t want them back. They’re hers now.

“Finn?” He almost drops the phone at the sound of her voice and holds his breath at what she may say next. “Can you come home, please? I need you. I really need you right now Finn.” He hears a soft sob and he’s crying too in disbelief and excitement and sheer adrenaline. It’s nearly two hours door to door but no one will be on the A1 in the middle of the fucking night and he doesn’t have much to pack. “I’ll be there before mornin', OK? I’m comin’ Rae. I’m comin’ home.” The line goes dead and he jumps up and slams the phone down taking the stairs two at a time. In his room he fumbles for the light and on his bed sees a note from his uncle, “Archie rang. Rae mum in hospital. Phone him”.

 He’s out the door and on the road to her in less than 20 minutes flat.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Title: This Town / Niall Horan (2017)


End file.
